Wow!! The Holidays Are Upon Us!!

It's hard to believe that Thanksgiving is one week away!!  Where has the year gone?  Well, let's see.. this time last year my daughter and I were preparing for our trip to New York City for 5 days of shopping.  That didn't all go as planned as far as the situation at home, but we did shop until we dropped.  If we go again Enola will definitely be pushing me around NYC in a wheelchair!  It was great getting away with my then 23 year old daughter and it's an experience we will never forget.  Also, I now have a "for real" Tiffany box with an overpriced silver ring in it.  But hey, it's real Tiffany and that box sure is a pretty shade of blue on display in my bathroom.

Valentine's Day my daughter became engaged and shortly afterwards realized she was pregnant.  What a rough 5 months of watching her throw up! lol  Brought back so many memories of my pregnancy with her.  I was actually nauseated right along with her, but thankfully, didn't actually throw up.  Bottom line on that situation is I have a beautiful little granddaughter that was born the day before my daughter's birthday.  Little Ava looks just like Enola did 24 years ago and since we were in the same hospital where Enola was born I was experiencing some major flashbacks!!  For a few hours I thought I was losing my mind and couldn't figure out if I was holding baby Enola or baby Ava.  Sometimes it tough being such a sensitive person... (okay, crazy person). lol  But seriously, what joy Ava is bringing into all of our lives.  Needless to say I'm about to have a new son-in-law whom I love very much.  Enola, Ava, & Chris make a beautiful little family unit.

I lost my dearest companion of nearly 14 years on May 6th when Prince Brutus Crow passed away.  It's been six months and I still ache for that little red Doxie!!  Hey, at least I only cry over him about once a week now instead of numerous times a day.

A great thing in my life is the fact my Mom and I are back together!!  She and I should get together and write a book about Dysfunctional Families.  I bet it would be a best seller and Dr. Phil would ask us to appear on his show.   Hey at least our family being so dysfunctional saved us all money on Christmas Presents!

Speaking of Christmas, Jordan gave me his list.... Apple iPad, Apple iPhone, blah, blah, blah.  He's 14 and 1/2 and I told him he needs to get a job if he wants all of those things.  He keeps talking about the 2012 Mustang he wants when he turns 16 and when I explain to him that I can't afford a car like that he simply points out to me that it will be 2 years old when he turns 16 and much cheaper to buy.  Here again, SON, GET A JOB!! 

I have been sewing curtains and crafting all sorts of things the past couple of months.  Of course, earlier in the year I was sewing for Ava and crocheting little hats and such.  Recently, I've been into making decorative monograms.  I have so many C's in my house I'm beginning to think it's a subconscious reminder to never get married again and change my last name.  Some of us just have to make more mistakes than others before we get the message.  That's something else I should write a book about... Marriage and Divorce.... REPEATEDLY .. How to Avoid the Fat Rat Bastards in life.  Sorry, hope this doesn't offend anyone....

Hope all of you are more prepared for Christmas than I am.  If I wait too much longer I might just have to take down all these burlap curtains I've made and wrap them up as Christmas gifts.  If your name starts with a "C" I can always pull one of my new monograms off the wall and wrap it.

Give me a shout and let me know how you are handling the approaching holidays.

Nanette Crow
 
 

 

Where to Find Happiness

We should all be aware that it is up to us to make ourselves happy and/or find happiness within ourselves.  You should never pin all your hopes of happiness on another person, whether it be your parents, or spouse, or your children.  I think it's a terrible mistake to think that you will find a partner in life and then you will be happy.  How many times have you had a discussion with a depressed person and they indicate that they will be happy when they find a life partner, or they will be happy when they don't have financial worries.  Well, if you feel that way then you may be in for a lifetime of ups and downs where happiness is concerned!!  Life is short and life is full of ups and downs for sure.  I've found that many of the happiest people I know have had devastating times in their lives, but they learned to not let it ruin them.  No one wants to be around a sour puss that can only talk about how stressed they are, how mistreated they have been, how rough of a time they are having financially, or how sick they are!!  No matter what there is always numerous things to be thankful for.... a roof over your head, wonderful friends/family, healthy children, food on the table.... the list goes on and on!!  It's up to each of us to make ourselves happy in this life, whatever it takes. 

I'll be the first to admit that whenever someone important in our lives majorly disappoints us it is difficult to be 100% happy and sometimes depression sets in no matter how hard you try to prevent it (or how many anti-depressants you take - lol)!  I am definitely speaking from experience here.  We've all been devastated by the actions of others or the devastation that sometimes just happens in life (such as your home burning or losing a loved one).  Sometimes our unhappiness stems from silly mistakes we make from time to time.  No matter what it is that makes us unhappy it is each individual persons responsibility to pull themselves together and make themselves happy again!!  Never look to others to make you happy if you can't find happiness within your own heart.  I'm not saying you have to immediately put on that happy face and pretend nothing bad has happened.  We all need time to mourn the loss of a loved one, the loss of what we thought another person was, the loss of our lifestyle or whatever it is that has temporarily taken away our happiness.

I've suffered somewhat of a personal shock these past few days and yes I've not been happy.  I've slept the weekend away, I've thought about it over and over for hours (whenever I wasn't asleep), I've cried and I've been mad.  However, tomorrow morning I will get up and put a big smile on my face and continue on with life as usual.  I've spoken with my daughter and a couple of good friends because I needed to vent, but I refuse to waste another day of my life being upset over the actions of someone else!  I've discovered that I'm a pretty tough OLD CROW, just like my Mama and Daddy and I refuse to be beaten in this game of life.  No one or no thing is going to drag me down to a dark place that I can't climb out of and I do mean that!!

I have so much in my life to be thankful for.  Other than my chronic pain which is a result of a birth defect and Tethered Cord surgery I am in great health.  Yes, I have depression and anxiety and that's mostly because of the Chronic Pain I live with 24/7.  I have two beautiful children that I'm so proud of and now I have a precious little granddaughter, Ava, that brings joy to us all.  I have a roof over my head and a dependable vehicle and so many wonderful friends in my life.  Some friends I see on a regular basis and some I just talk to on Face Book, but those friends are all so important to me.  Even the ones I've not met in person!!  I try to always have a smile on my face and a kind word for everyone I encounter in life.  Bringing just a little bit of happiness to others in this world makes me so very happy!!  I think I have so many friends because each of them know that I truly care about them and I always have time to listen to what is going on in their lives!!  Being able to do little things for others is a very important thing to me and it brings me much happiness.

I guess the point of this blog, in addition to the fact that I need to vent a little , is to remind everyone that happiness is within each of us and it is each persons responsibility to find that happiness within their being.  NEVER depend on another person to make you happy because you will get hurt!  Once you find your own happiness then you are ready to go out and share that happiness with others whether it be in a relationship, friendship, family, or whatever.  Just remember it is YOUR job to make yourself HAPPY!

As always, comments are welcome and I'm always available if you need to vent.

Nanette Crow
The Crows Nest

Like Sands Through the Hour Glass

As the birth of my first grandchild approaches I keep hearing the voice of McDonald Carey saying "Like sands through the hour glass, so are the Days of Our Lives".  You might think it's weird that I'm hearing a soap opera star from long ago run through my mind and maybe it is weird.  I grew up with Soap Operas on TV during the daytime hours.  Now, sometimes I watched them and sometimes they were just background noise as Mama Crouch, Mama and I would sew or prepare garden vegetables to be put up for the winter.  I do remember clearly that my Pa Crouch had a Soap Opera he liked to watch during lunch everyday.... just can't remember for sure which one it was... something like The Guiding Light or The Edge of Night.  I also remember Mama telling me that a character named Tom (not the Tom on Days of Our Lives) was born on the same day I was born.... of course, he was born on a Soap.  I also remember that he aged faster than I did!!
I clearly remember when I was pregnant with Enola 24 years ago I was an avid watcher of The Young and the Restless.  The character Nina (a poor girl) was pregnant by Phillip Chancellor (a rich boy).  I watched the show every single day to see how Nina's pregnancy was progressing.  Let me state at this point that I was petrified of Labor and Delivery!!  Of course, Nina breezed through and delivered a beautiful little boy they named Chance.  I had dreams of labor and delivery and one night in my dreams I delivered a beautiful litter of Dachshund Puppies.  I woke up feeling like I would do fine since that litter of puppies was so easy to deliver!  My actual labor and delivery with Enola was no where near that easy, but she has been more than worth any fear, pain, or discomfort I went through while having her!
Enola is no long a lover of the regular daytime soaps like Days of Our Lives.... even though she kept up with Bo and Hope for many years as well as the characters on General Hospital when she was younger.  Now she is a lover of the Kardashians and has kept up with Kortney Kardashians pregnancy and recent delivery.  Times are different with so many ways to communicate and find information online.  Plus she's an educated young woman.... don't know if that really makes a difference or not.....
Now that I know she will be induced Tuesday if she doesn't go into labor between now and then all I can think about is our lives will never be the same again!!  Never again will it be just Jordan, Enola, and me living in this house with all of our dogs.   Enola has left  before to go off to college and she was with her Dad in Huntsville while working on the Arsenal for over a year.  However, these past weeks that we've been together under one roof preparing for Ava's arrival have been a wonderful time for me.  We have laughed so much I'm surprised she didn't deliver Ava on the spot.  She has helped me to pack for my move into my new "old house" in Pulaski and she's started making this house her home.  I know she is anxious for Chris to finish his time in the Military and be here with her and Ava so they can really start their lives together.
This is a very happy and exciting time in our lives, yet it is a little bittersweet for me because my baby girl is about to become a Moma and have her own baby girl!!  I've been told by others that my love for Ava will be more overpowering than my love for Enola,  but I find that hard to believe.  I can't imagine loving anyone more than I love Enola!!

I Never Thought It Would Be This Way!!

Have any of you ever come to the conclusion that your own family doesn't even KNOW who you are??  I don't mean as if you didn't grow up with them or haven't seen them in 20 years..... I mean in a way that they have a completely different perception of who you really are.  Or maybe they have tried to give others an incorrect picture of who you are.

Like many of you I've spent the majority of my life trying to please others.... parents, friends, relatives, co-workers, neighbors, etc....  My entire life it has crushed me if I thought someone didn't like me for whatever reason.  I could never understand why someone wouldn't like me because I've always tried so hard to treat people with the kindness that I wanted to be treated with.   I've always tried to go above and beyond for someone in need if I could possibly help them.  I try to always have a smile on my face and a kind word for everyone I encounter whether just for a few minutes or a lifetime.  I feel pretty darned confident that I'm liked by most everyone I know and I think most all of them would have not one bad word to say about me.  Every once in a blue moon I encounter someone that seems to not like me and it's usually some type of jealously over some incorrect perception they have of me that's not real.

The hardest thing in my life is the fact that I have no relationship with my own Mother and I know for an absolute fact that she has tried to give others (friends and relatives) a very untrue picture of who and what I am.  It hurts me so badly to feel that my own Aunts, whom I have loved dearly my entire life, probably believe or at least half-way believe the lies they have been told about me.  Hey, why wouldn't they believe their own sister?  Yes, she was lying through her teeth to make another of her dysfunctional children look better, but still.... maybe sisters who are in their 70's and 80's still feel that they can believe 100% of what they tell each other.  Of course, that is the way it should be, but in my family it's not!  One of my Aunts that I've always been exceptionally close to and talked to about nearly everything was swayed by the lies she was told.  That betrayal has hurt as much as my Mother's betrayal.  How on earth she could have doubted me just blows me away.  Is our world and society so screwed up that you can't even trust the person you've turned to for 40 plus years of your life.... the person that you feel you've always bared your soul to? 

 Let me say at this point that my Daddy was right there with them back in 2010.... he wasn't completely fooled but, he let himself be swept into the mess and turned against me.  This past Fall I called him and he has since then apologized profusely to me and has assured me that he knows without a doubt that I was telling the absolute truth.  I saw  Daddy for the first time in over two years  about 3 weeks ago and when he put his hat on my head and wrapped his arms around me it was an unbelievable feeling.  Daddy knows me and he knows I've made numerous mistakes in life, but he also knows I've never been a liar.  All Daddy wants is for our family to be together again.  I'm terrified my parents will die before we can ever truly be that way again.  In my heart I know it will never be right again and I have to accept that fact of life.

Yesterday I was watching The Waltons.... yes I love the Waltons.  I watched an episode that I clearly remember watching with my Mother (when she was still my Mama) back in the 70's and I began to cry.  I picked up the phone and called my Mother.  It was the first time she and I had spoken since January 24, 2010.  I WISH I HAD NEVER MADE THAT CALL.  She was very cordial but it was obvious she's no longer my Mama.  She talked to me and she answered all my questions and told me what they are doing to the house this summer, but it wasn't my Mama talking to me.  There was no excitement to hear my voice and there was definitely no apology for the lies she knows she told and the lies she was caught by  Daddy telling.  I wasn't expecting an apology and didn't really need one, but, I thought I would at least hear a little glimmer of happiness or excitement in her  voice.

I hung up the phone and sobbed my heart out and realized  I will probably never have my Mama back in my life.  I'm sure if she has me in her life it will cause problems with her and her youngest child.  Maybe she's even convinced herself of the lies she told about me.  I don't know.... I will never understand this!  I've felt sad since I made that call yesterday and I'll never make that mistake again!  I've had to "talk to myself" today and remind myself that I've always tried to be a good person.  I've worked hard my entire life and earned every possession I have.  I've born a child, adopted a precious child, and fostered two children and I love them all.  I could never do to one of my children what my Mother has done to me.  I've always known that my Grandmother, Enola Crouch, was my true Mama and I would give anything to have one more hour with her.  She left this world when I was 18 and I've felt that loss each and every day of my life.

If you are a parent..... please NEVER TURN YOUR BACK on your children no matter what.  Whether you are trying to protect someone else, you just don't like that child as much or whatever... don't cut them out of your life.  That is not the way God means for us to live our lives and it's not healthy for anyone.  Children are a very special gift and you should treasure them no matter what!  I will never forget the good things my Mama did for me when she was still my Mama.  However, I will carry the ache of what she has done to me these past years till the day I die.  Anyone and anything can be forgiven, but as humans we never truly forget.

Always remember in life when you meet people... you never know what is truly going on in their lives.  Always treat people with kindness and even if they act like jerks consider the possibility that they may be carrying a huge weight on their shoulders and your kindness might make them have a better day.

I feel that writing and publishing this to my blog is therapy for my heart and soul and I appreciate each of my followers!

Nanette