Have any of you ever come to the conclusion that your own family doesn't even KNOW who you are?? I don't mean as if you didn't grow up with them or haven't seen them in 20 years..... I mean in a way that they have a completely different perception of who you really are. Or maybe they have tried to give others an incorrect picture of who you are.
Like many of you I've spent the majority of my life trying to please others.... parents, friends, relatives, co-workers, neighbors, etc.... My entire life it has crushed me if I thought someone didn't like me for whatever reason. I could never understand why someone wouldn't like me because I've always tried so hard to treat people with the kindness that I wanted to be treated with. I've always tried to go above and beyond for someone in need if I could possibly help them. I try to always have a smile on my face and a kind word for everyone I encounter whether just for a few minutes or a lifetime. I feel pretty darned confident that I'm liked by most everyone I know and I think most all of them would have not one bad word to say about me. Every once in a blue moon I encounter someone that seems to not like me and it's usually some type of jealously over some incorrect perception they have of me that's not real.
The hardest thing in my life is the fact that I have no relationship with my own Mother and I know for an absolute fact that she has tried to give others (friends and relatives) a very untrue picture of who and what I am. It hurts me so badly to feel that my own Aunts, whom I have loved dearly my entire life, probably believe or at least half-way believe the lies they have been told about me. Hey, why wouldn't they believe their own sister? Yes, she was lying through her teeth to make another of her dysfunctional children look better, but still.... maybe sisters who are in their 70's and 80's still feel that they can believe 100% of what they tell each other. Of course, that is the way it should be, but in my family it's not! One of my Aunts that I've always been exceptionally close to and talked to about nearly everything was swayed by the lies she was told. That betrayal has hurt as much as my Mother's betrayal. How on earth she could have doubted me just blows me away. Is our world and society so screwed up that you can't even trust the person you've turned to for 40 plus years of your life.... the person that you feel you've always bared your soul to?
Let me say at this point that my Daddy was right there with them back in 2010.... he wasn't completely fooled but, he let himself be swept into the mess and turned against me. This past Fall I called him and he has since then apologized profusely to me and has assured me that he knows without a doubt that I was telling the absolute truth. I saw Daddy for the first time in over two years about 3 weeks ago and when he put his hat on my head and wrapped his arms around me it was an unbelievable feeling. Daddy knows me and he knows I've made numerous mistakes in life, but he also knows I've never been a liar. All Daddy wants is for our family to be together again. I'm terrified my parents will die before we can ever truly be that way again. In my heart I know it will never be right again and I have to accept that fact of life.
Yesterday I was watching The Waltons.... yes I love the Waltons. I watched an episode that I clearly remember watching with my Mother (when she was still my Mama) back in the 70's and I began to cry. I picked up the phone and called my Mother. It was the first time she and I had spoken since January 24, 2010. I WISH I HAD NEVER MADE THAT CALL. She was very cordial but it was obvious she's no longer my Mama. She talked to me and she answered all my questions and told me what they are doing to the house this summer, but it wasn't my Mama talking to me. There was no excitement to hear my voice and there was definitely no apology for the lies she knows she told and the lies she was caught by Daddy telling. I wasn't expecting an apology and didn't really need one, but, I thought I would at least hear a little glimmer of happiness or excitement in her voice.
I hung up the phone and sobbed my heart out and realized I will probably never have my Mama back in my life. I'm sure if she has me in her life it will cause problems with her and her youngest child. Maybe she's even convinced herself of the lies she told about me. I don't know.... I will never understand this! I've felt sad since I made that call yesterday and I'll never make that mistake again! I've had to "talk to myself" today and remind myself that I've always tried to be a good person. I've worked hard my entire life and earned every possession I have. I've born a child, adopted a precious child, and fostered two children and I love them all. I could never do to one of my children what my Mother has done to me. I've always known that my Grandmother, Enola Crouch, was my true Mama and I would give anything to have one more hour with her. She left this world when I was 18 and I've felt that loss each and every day of my life.
If you are a parent..... please NEVER TURN YOUR BACK on your children no matter what. Whether you are trying to protect someone else, you just don't like that child as much or whatever... don't cut them out of your life. That is not the way God means for us to live our lives and it's not healthy for anyone. Children are a very special gift and you should treasure them no matter what! I will never forget the good things my Mama did for me when she was still my Mama. However, I will carry the ache of what she has done to me these past years till the day I die. Anyone and anything can be forgiven, but as humans we never truly forget.
Always remember in life when you meet people... you never know what is truly going on in their lives. Always treat people with kindness and even if they act like jerks consider the possibility that they may be carrying a huge weight on their shoulders and your kindness might make them have a better day.
I feel that writing and publishing this to my blog is therapy for my heart and soul and I appreciate each of my followers!
Nanette
